Nine months ago I left my beloved job that I worked at for 11 1/2 years. It was a choice to put myself first which was a strange feeling for me. Three months later, in the thick of all that change I wrote this post for myself. Since writing it a number of friends have also left their corporate job in different fields and I sent this to them. They to went through similar stages and we connected so I’ve decided to share my most intimate thoughts with the internet in hopes that it may help someone out there. The writing is raw, the article long, but it is real. - Christen
Leaving the Corporate Life and The Search to Be Better
Every morning is the same: the alarm goes off and my first instinct is to grab the phone, take a deep breath, prepare myself and open my email. Opening that letter icon on the phone fills me with a wave of anxiety; who needs me to do something for them, did I forget to respond to someone’s request, am I in trouble, did I do something right, will today be a 9 hour day or 12, will I get the dreaded “call me” email and ultimately is today going to be a good or bad day? Three months ago this was my life and I would open the email and all those questions would be answered before I even went into the office. My name is Christen and I am an overachieving workaholic that is addicted to being needed. Correction I WAS an overachieving workaholic addicted to being needed. Today my life looks very different, today I open my email and it’s mostly spam because three months ago I left my corporate job in the fitness industry.
Let me start by stating a few very important things: I loved my job and I loved my company, I still love the company, I just love myself more. In 11 years I not only grew in knowledge and honed in on management skills, but I found my path in life. I loved my job so much I worked 12+ hour days almost daily and I bent over backwards to stand out. At my peak, I did stand out. I won awards, I was praised, I made money, I worked for free doing extra work when asked, I helped people develop into amazing personal trainers and managers and every addiction of being needed and success was filled in abundance. I loved my job so much that I sacrificed friendships, relationships and even my own health to continue to succeed. By the end there wasn’t much left of me to give. I was smashed up against my glass ceiling watching others I had mentored break though and me smushed up there with so much drive and no where to go just…cracked. I guess that’s why they call it a glass ceiling, because you can see as others break through, otherwise they would just call it a ceiling. No matter how good someone is at a job they cannot succeed when they are an empty shell of their former self. People around you cannot succeed when their leader is woken up every day with anxiety and fear rather than the passion and inspiration that once touched others. I complained, I got frustrated, I burned out. My job became toxic for me and I in turn turned into a complainer, a whiner, a “why me,” someone I did not like or recognize. It was time for me to go.
I have been working since I was 15, even through college I found a job to keep me busy. I have always said I prefer to work for a corporation because I respect structure and I like boundaries. If there are boundaries and expectations I can overachieve, shine and soar. Leaving my corporate job threw all that to the wind and suddenly the only drive I had was self driven. The only rules I had to follow were set by me and me alone. The only one to impress was me. This is difficult, how can you impress the boss when she is your biggest critic and is always telling you that you need to work harder and be better? The three months after leaving corporate life was not easy, it was a roller coaster of emotions and challenges and I’m still not out of it yet. I feel it is important to share the stages one goes through following such a life change. I have spoken to many friends and mentors and I was not alone. Change is hard, let’s acknowledge that and be open to sharing the journey with one another. Here’s mine:
Stage One: Turning Off
Day one was not as expected. I expected to wake up, walk to get coffee, go to the beach and enjoy the day. Instead I woke up anxious as usual, looked at my email to discover my work email had been turned off, felt suddenly empty, rolled over and went back to sleep. I stayed inside sitting on my couch watching the Southern California sunshine rise and set for an entire week. I was not depressed or sad, I was just blank. When you spend over a decade working your ass off, you deserve a little break. I had spent every day, whether I was working, on vacation or on my day off tuned into “manager mode.” My staff would email or text at all hours of the day and I, without setting boundaries, would be there anytime I was needed. Working at a gym with affluent clientele I had to always be customer centric, catering to anything that was needed, my mental switch was in “ON” mode all the time. So I took a week and turned off. I binged on television shows, I read a book, I ordered food instead of cooking, I took naps and slept 9 hours a night. My body needed the rest. The only time I left the house and hit the “on” switch was to train my few private clients. I didn’t call my friends or parents back, I didn’t exercise, I didn’t answer emails of former staff checking in on me, I barely even spoke to my husband. I needed silence, I needed a week to not think at all. It was necessary, this stage had to happen.
Stage Two Denial
Once out of the haze and rejuvenated by turning off, I did a 180 and suddenly there wasn’t enough time in the day to get everything done. I decided my home that I’ve lived in for 3 years needed to be re-organized so I ordered a ton of furniture and put it all together, I purged my closet of clothes I no longer wear, my husband and I shampooed the carpets (my house never looked so good), I worked out every day, I went on walks, I called people back and I made a to-do list so long that it would take months to complete. My overachieving nature came out, desperately blocking my mind from thinking about what I’d left behind, a stable job that I once loved. I was in a total state of denial. Celebrating time to do all the things I couldn’t do before and not thinking about the implications of not working. With no thought of the future or how to pay bills I felt free but the truth is I was uninspired and I did not want to admit it. The house cleaning was nice though…
Stage Three Loss of Purpose
Like any change in life there is that inevitable moment when you think: “oh crap, what have I done?” This was my moment. Why again did I leave my stable paycheck with insurance and a 401k? I have to pick insurance, do I do COBRA or get my own? What IRA should I put my 401K into? Why did I leave one of the most successful fitness corporations in the country when I don’t plan on leaving the field? What now? This was a hard stage for me. My to do list started swallowing me whole and for the first time in weeks I felt regret about leaving my job. Once upon a time I had my whole life planned out. I knew how I wanted to grow in my company, I never saw myself walking away and if I did it would be because someone gave me an offer I couldn’t pass up. Life rarely works out the way we plan. Suddenly huge opportunities for my career were pushed to months away and I was left with the only options of waiting it out or seek another opportunity. I never planned to be unemployed at 38, newly married and right at the time I want to start a family, my only income coming from a few training sessions a week. For the first time since I started in the fitness world I had no idea what I wanted to be when I “grow up.” I lost my purpose, my drive, my confidence, I felt right back where I started before I left my job, uninspired and frustrated. The only light during this time came from my amazing husband, family and friends who never stopped reminding me that I made the right choice, that I would be fine and that I’d land on my feet. Make sure to find people in your life that lift you up because at times like this when your mind tries to bring you down you need people that truly believe in you to pull you out of the funk.
Stage Four: Everything is Alright
One morning I woke up deep in the fog of fear and doubt and I received a phone call from a co-worker from my former job. While the conversation was limited to catching up on life in general, I found myself missing my team and only questioning further why I left a job I love. Then the conversation turned to work. Within moments my palms started sweating, anxiety flowed in and suddenly I was stressed out. All this from a conversation? Years ago my doctor told me my stress was causing health issues, I ignored her warnings even after I went through a major health scare and then again after I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease. My fear of leaving something stable, my belief that I was needed by people (that moved on the moment I walked out the door) tethered me to my stress filled life. Any job done with passion is stressful because you care, but the level created in my overachieving mind was just that, created by me. How can I help others live a healthy lifestyle if I am not also taking care of myself? It was in this moment that I knew I had done the right thing. My body, finally rested, had started to heal itself. I was eating better, sleeping better, exercising more and everything was alright. I made the right decision.
Stage 5 Calling to Action
So…I made the right decision…now what? I make a living helping others set goals, create a plan and take action to execute that plan. My job is to help others achieve what they once thought was impossible. It was time for me to set a goal, make a plan to achieve it and hold myself accountable. Time to make a plan:
• Set a Goal
o What am I most passionate about?
o How can I make a living doing my passion?
o What is my timeframe to reach this goal?
• Make a Plan – no goal worth reaching is done easily, steps and tiny wins must be made
o Create an outline
o Set deadlines
• Share my plan with others
o Find an accountability partner
o Confide in those you trust for feedback and inspiration.
I was surprised that this stage was difficult for me. When you think you know what you want to do with your life, you suddenly feel lost and confused about the future when you leave your original plan. But in this phase I came to realize, nothing has changed. I want to educate the masses on health and wellness. I want to assist in developing our next generation of health professionals so that the future of the fitness business can be looked at like it truly is, preventive medicine. I want to write, to train, to educate, to travel, to live the life I teach. And mostly I want to make an impact as a female in a predominately male dominated field, I want to shatter than damn glass ceiling. I don’t have to be in a corporate structure to achieve this. Sure the resources available in corporate are bountiful, but it’s not the only path. My destination has always been the same, my journey had just changed.
Stage 6 Just Do It
The function of this article is two fold. First it is to connect with those out there that have also left the corporate safety net, or the ones that are considering doing so. There is no right or wrong answer, corporations are successful because they are well connected, generally well managed and have a written pathway of success for the employees. Self-employment is scary, and quiet and slow moving and more of a hustle. Both are great paths, but sometimes reading someone else’s journey can either ignite a change or make you thankful for what you have. The last year of my life I was jealous every time someone left my company and went out on their own, but I always justified staying with stability. I should have listened to what my body was trying to tell my mind sooner, to let go and move on. Second, this is step one of my plan. I love to write, to teach, to share. I am writing this as my first step to making the mark I want on the world. Perhaps only my friends and family will read this or perhaps it will reach many. I hope it reaches someone that needed to read this, but honestly this has been part of my process. To launch my creative mind back into my passion.
I once thought that being good at something and shining for my company was what I wanted, which is why I was so frustrated when I didn’t grow and why I created an unhealthy attachment to growth within one organization. Truth is, I was letting myself stay in something I knew was comfortable which is what really held me back. I once had a co-worker that often said “get comfortable being uncomfortable, or find another place to fail.” My comfort was my failure, I never really wanted to grow, if I had I would have pushed through to the uncomfortable. I constantly told myself and others I pushed to grow, but I never really did...until now. I’ve learned so much about myself being on my own for the last three months. I’ve learned about my body, my mind and my internal drive to be better. My skin is clear, my weight is down, sleep is better, pain is less and even my stressed caused autoimmune disease is under control. I am better, not because I don’t go to work for 12 hours a day but because I don’t put stress on myself to succeed in a system that was pulling me down. Stress is always present, it has just shifted to taking care of myself, my family, my loved ones…and you know, paying bills. It’s liberating, it’s wonderful, it’s exciting and it’s scary as hell. I am no longer a self proclaimed overachieving workaholic. One day I may return to the corporate world but when I do it will be on my terms and I will create the structure. For now I am now just me, searching to be better, searching to take things that I know and share them with the world. Sky is the limit, glass ceiling be damned.